"My Experience: Reuniting With My Birth Mother"
My life has been an amazing journey in the last few weeks.
I decided that it was time for me to find my birth mother who's face and voice I do not know. I felt that I was ready. At least, readier than I've ever been before.
With the help of my grandmother, I got in touch with my mother through email and facebook. It took her over three months to reach her. During this time, I opened up my emails multiple times everyday in anticipation. The first email that she sent to me made me cry like a baby... I was so overwhelmed.. The first time I heard her voice through facebook call, I was overwhelmed. I didn't start sobbing until we hung up.
I flew over three days ago to South Korea where she lives. I stayed at my grandparents' place, and she was invited two days ago for a sleepover.
I had created a surprise video of my life showing the time since the first time we met on facebook chat until just before she arrived at my grandparents' place. My heart was beating like a drum from a dubstep track as I stayed hidden in the washroom while Gramma showed her the video.
While they were looking for me in the wrong places, I walked up behind my mother and said, "Hi."
She turned around and saw me. She embraced me quickly, and I could almost hear her teardrops falling on my shoulder.
I didn't cry. That was weird because I thought I would have. It must have been the medications that I'm taking that makes me less emotional.
She touched my face as she continued to cry.
There was just so much going on inside my mind and heart that I do not know of a way to record all this on a page.
I thought, "She looks different from what I thought.", "I know, Ma, I know..That's okay, Ma, it's okay.", "She likes me more than I thought she would."
For the next little while, as we sat around a table, me and my mother stared at each other in awe and disbelief and Gramma filled the silence with her usual chattiness. I didn't know what to say and I blurted out questions such as "do you like singing? (Which I already have asked during our phone call)", and strange comments such as "It's like we are both kids at a zoo looking at animals." We slept in the same room. With my head on her lap, we talked for hours without a break of silence.
She touched my hair affectionately, she cried, and she smiled. It felt so strange to have an almost stranger cry for me and have so much longing towards me.
I wish I could be more attached to Ma, but for some reason, my mind is hindering my heart from doing so. It is difficult for me to say that I missed her and that I need her. It is as if my mind thinks that if I get close to her, then I would get hurt again because she's going to leave me again anyway... It's almost like something has locked my feelings up so that it can prevent me from getting hurt.
I want to let go.. give this a chance... because it is so special... My mother. I wanted a real mom for so long... I was so jealous of everyone who had a real mom who actually loved them..
I wish that she would know and understand what I feel and why I feel the way I do. I am still very novice at naming my emotions and expressing them, as I grew up learning to lie about as well as hide my feelings.
I'm also afraid that she would prefer Chris (my brother) over me. This is an intense fear I have--to have someone abandon me for somebody else--which is derived from my screamingly dark, clown-like, terrifying, deathly horrifying, and frantically threatening past.
Oh how I long to get better. How I long to rewire my detestable brain.
She spent the next day with me, Gramma, Uncle, and Grandpa.
For the next day or so, I was numb. I became emotionally numb. I started this post yesterday but I had only written down the events without any recording of feelings that were involved. I had to go back and edit the whole post.
It exhausts me trying to recall the emotions that were involved during my reconciliation with my mother. They are so complex that I do not know how to name them.
I will see her again on Wednesday...
