"Healthy Relationship Beliefs vs Unhealthy Relationship Beliefs"
Thoughts and Beliefs
Like anything else, relationships are greatly affected by our thoughts and beliefs. Those of us who have been through an abusive relationship may have unhealthy relationship beliefs that are so automatic that we may not even know what those beliefs are. It is important that we address these beliefs and take active steps to change them, because they make us more vulnerable to other abusers and destructive people. And above all, they are far away from the truth.
Healthy Relationship Beliefs
These are the beliefs that we must aim to learn, in order to have healthy relationships with others.
1. Seek understanding and solutions, not blame.
2. In a healthy close relationship, anything can be talked about.
3. The best way to change a relationship is by changing my behavior.
4. Creating good relationships is a skill to learn, just like playing a sport.
5. While losing a relationship may be painful, I can mourn and move on.
6. it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
7. A good relationship requires effort but is worth it.
8. I need relationships in which both people's needs are respected.
9. I need to cultivate relationships with a few people who really matter.
10. With recovery, I can respect myself more and others will too.
11. Acceptance is the basis of healthy relationships.
Unhealthy Relationship Beliefs
These are beliefs that may have been created by trauma or abuse. We must aim to unlearn these thoughts.
1. I am always wrong; the other person is always right.
It is common for trauma survivors to have the belief that all relationship problems are their fault. Try to view relationship problems between adults as having a 50-50 balance: Each person is responsible for half. Seek understanding and solutions rather than focusing on who is right and who is wrong.
2. I should hide what I really think and feel.
Because I grew up in a family where I was not allowed to express my emotions, I learned that there are consequences to saying what I really think. Now that I am away from the abuser, I am learning how to be honest with safe people.
3. The other person has to change.
What you can control is your part of the relationship. You have choices: You can accept the other person's behavior, discontinue the relationship, change how you relate, or say what you want.
4. Bad relationships are all I can get.
You may have difficulty finding healthy relationships if you have PTSD and substance abuse. But! Developing good relationships is a skill to learn, just like playing a sport. Read up on the topic, take classes, and watch how others do it.
5. I cannot exist without _____.
You can be happy when you are alone. Do not let something or someone be the reason for your living. YOU are the most important person in your life. Find out what the underlying cause of this belief is, then, work on it!
6. It is better to be with someone destructive than to be alone.
Destructive relationships will only pull us further down the ditch. When we get rid of negative relationships, we are making room for better ones.
7. Good relationships are easy.
Do not confuse an easy and familiar relationship with a good relationship. Good relationships are to be cultivated and worked on.
8. I must take care of everyone else first; my needs come last.
YOU must take care of YOU first. If you are not happy, how can you make others happy?
9. I must be liked by everyone.
Truth be told, there will be people in your life that like you and there will be ones that don't. No need to fret, as this has more to do with the person rather than you.
10. I have no value to other people.
This is a common belief for those who have been through an abusive relationship or trauma. Remember that your thoughts are not always true.
11. I am not ______ enough for a relationship.
Another common belief for those who have been abused or traumatized. You are just as good and deserving of love as anyone else. Learn how to choose your thoughts.
Afterwords...
Which of the unhealthy beliefs do you have?
Which healthy beliefs would you like to learn, starting from today?
Leave a comment below and let me know!
