"Learning To Say "No" In Relationships"
The Ability To Say "No" To Others
Saying "no" is setting a limit to protect yourself from relationships. It is setting up a standard for the way you need and deserve to be treated. For those of us who has history of abuse and trauma, saying "no" assertively may be of something foreign. We had learned that if we say "no", there may be consequences such as violence (physical or verbal). To make sure that our future relationships are healthy and safe, we must learn this important skill of saying "no". People that do not listen to your "no"s do not deserve you. Healthy people can tolerate hearing what you think and feel.
Saying "No" To Yourself
Just as we have boundaries with others, we have boundaries with ourselves. It is important that we make these boundaries clear and follow through with them. Some ways to say "no" to yourself: "If anyone offers drugs to me at the party, I need to leave", "Self-respect means no pornography today", "Violent movies trigger my PTSD. I need to stop", "I'm working too hard that it's making my PTSD worse. I need to stop".
Situations Where You Can Learn To Say "No"
Refusing drugs/alcohol
Pressure to do something that you are not comfortable with
Being asked for a favour that you do not want to do
When you make promises to yourself that you do not keep
When you do all the giving in a relationship
The HOW
Polite refusal: Please don't do that.
Insistence: No, I really mean it, and I'd like to drop the subject.
Partial honesty: I cannot drink because I am allergic to alcohol.
Full honesty: I cannot drink because I am an alcoholic.
Stating consequences: Unless you stop yelling at me, I'm gonna have to walk out.
Afterthoughts
By stating your "no"s, you are not driving people away. Rather, you are helping them value you more. Take care of yourself. Self-respect is the basis of all successful relationships and life. Remember that YOU are the most important person in your life, and you deserve kindness and respect just as anybody else in your life.
