"Setting Boundaries in Relationships"
For those of us who have been abused or grew up in a dysfunctional family, our boundaries have been violated--and because of this, we may face difficulties setting good boundaries in relationships. We may not understand what is ok and what is not in a relationship. We may not have the skills for assertive and clear communication. However, these things can be learned through repetition and practice accompanied by support from professionals and/or people around us.
Boundaries are a problem when they are too close or too distant, or both.
You may have boundaries that are too close if you:
Have difficulty saying "no" in relationships
Give too much
Get involved too quickly
Trust too easily
Intrude on others (i.e. violate other people's boundaries)
Stay in relationships too long
You may have boundaries that are too distant if you:
Have difficulty saying "yes" in relationships
Isolate
Distrust too easily
Feel lonely
Stay in relationships too briefly
Boundary problems are a misdirected attempt to be loved.
As an attempt to be loved, you "give all" to people. By doing this, you are teaching them to exploit you.
Healthy boundaries can keep you safe.
Isolating yourself is an attempt to protect yourself, but this inhibits you from getting the support that you need. Learning to say "no" to unsafe sex, substances, unfair demands and so forth protects you from abusive relationships.
Learning to say "yes" allows you to receive the support you need.
Setting good boundaries prevents extremes in relationships.
Extremes in relationships are unhealthy and painful. Boundaries help you achieve balance in relationships.
It is important to set boundaries with yourself as well as with others.
You may have difficulty saying "yes" to yourself--i.e. working too hard, depriving yourself from entertainment.
People with difficulty setting boundaries may violate other people's boundaries as well.
This may involve setting up "tests" for others, abusing or manipulating others, and intruding into other people's business.
If you physically hurt yourself or others, you need immediate help with boundaries.
Hurting yourself or others is an extreme form of boundary violation. You MUST reach out for help. There are great options waiting for you.
Your turn...
Which of the close/distant boundary problems do you have from the list?
How can you improve, and what are some active steps you can take to improve your boundary skills? Comment below and let me know!
