"My Experience: 10 Months Into Healing Full-Time"
This is not a diary of someone who IS GOING THROUGH abuse, or who JUST GOT AWAY from abuse. This is a diary of someone who has went through abuse, got away from abuse, and have been taking professional steps to healing for a year. This post does not provide insight into the abuse itself or the consequence of abuse. This provides insight about the healing journey of a child abuse survivor.
For my background story, click on Trulee's Story.
I have cut off my contact with my abusive family. Why? Because I do not want to be like them, and the only way I can do this is to eliminate them from my life. I don't see this as being cold or mean, I see this as a compassionate and deed to do for someone, in which in this case is me.
I have not been working nor going to school for 10 months. I have been taking care of myself. It has been hard because I got put into an unofficial foster home by the ministry with a lady that was passive aggressive (and spent time with her for 7 months!). I was emotionally more exhausted and injured as a result.
I'm living in a Psychosocial Rehabilitation place. It is a home with 4 other residents. We have staff 24/7 to take care of us. Honestly, I'm extremely bored here. I am learning about a sense of peace and safety for the first time in my life, though. I have never felt this safe and comfortable in my whole life before.
We have a schedule that includes group activities, volunteering and psycho-education. The majority of the day is up to us--we do whatever we want. I exercise, read, study, and practice my music. I would go out to open mics and churches.
How I feel about what's happening to me
I just accept it for what it is, and turn it into something beautiful. Because I went through abuse and its consequences, I know how to empathize with others in similar situation. Because of my trauma, I have great motivation and resilience.
I do have many (though not as many as it used to be) moments that bring up angry emotions from the past. But I learned that this doesn't mean I'm angry about my situation. Instead, it means that I get triggered and the feelings I felt from the past are brought up to surface sometimes.
What I'm going through is NOT fair, of course, when I see how withdrawn I was from people growing up, and thus missed many great opportunities to grow as a person and a singer. I still have trouble approaching, asking for help from, and being assertive with people.
But I'll work on it. I believe that I CAN change.
I'm so much better than I used to be, thanks to the help of medication, counselling, and safe environment. If I was to write about my feelings a few months ago, it would turn out to be a vivid depiction of hell.
I am getting better and recovering from PTSD and BPD.
